Additional thoughts (as promised)

After posting last night that I don't usually cry... I came really close, after all. I teared up a little tonight. I can't even blame Ty. He was emotional even before the performance tonight, but I had no idea that he was crying during the performance. (That takes skills to continue conducting with tears in your eyes...) I watched his hand pretty carefully, but I guess I wasn't too focused on his face. Something about the music just really hit home tonight.

I don't know how to describe it. I don't know what changed. Last night was fantastic, too. Maybe it helped that I went to the temple this afternoon, before our performance. I don't know. But something about the music spoke to my heart and my soul in a way that it hasn't before.

I can't help thinking that part of it is the physical conditions. I know it may sound funny, but nobody has an easy time standing in one place for that long. I was initially worried that the second night of it would be harder. I certainly offered my own prayers not just for help in singing and carrying the message, but that I'd have the strength and energy necessary to stand through the entire performance again. It's amazing what faith and the help of the Spirit can do. :) I don't think it was easier than last night, but I made it, and I actually feel a lot less stiff than last night.

So how does it all relate? It comes back to the message being carried by the Spirit, first to the hearts of the choir and through us to our audience. It comes back to the atonement and the power to change hearts. I think perhaps there was a small, almost imperceptible change in me today. And yet not just in me. In the unity of the choir. In the love and gratitude we were each expressing--choir, soloists, orchestra, narrators, director--for our Savior and for His atonement. However small that was, whatever changed, I felt it tonight.

I need to bear testimony again. I know that Jesus Christ lives. I know He is the Son of God. I know His atonement has made it possible for me to return to Him. I know I can be strengthened and blessed each day. As Paul told the Philippians: "I can do all things in Christ which strengtheneth me." (Philippians 4:13) I have faith that Christ's atonement can and does strengthen and heal us, both physically and spiritually. I don't pretend to understand. I don't believe my mortal mind ever will. I'm still not really sure I know what was different tonight. But something was, and I feel so grateful for the opportunity to have strengthened my own testimony while sharing my testimony of Jesus Christ with others.

Lamb of God

While I should probably be going to bed, I have thoughts going through my head that I'd like to share. Tonight was our first performance of Rob Gardner's "Lamb of God." It was not perfect, but it went well.  Most importantly the Spirit was there to bear witness of the atonement, the crucifixion, and the resurrection. As powerful as the music is, the Holy Ghost is responsible for carrying the message and our testimonies to the audience.

It has been a pleasure to be a part of preparing for and now of performing this oratorio. As I've told Ty (our director) several times during the last few months, I need music in my life. I believe it is because good music speaks to my soul. And while I love the opportunity to sit back and listen, there's a certain joy and excitement that comes from participating. (Along with that, there's a certain surprise that comes from waking up to a song in my head, not because I fall asleep with an iPod--I don't--but because I've been listening to it so much that apparently it's also in my dreams.)

The musical portrayal of the last week of Jesus Christ's life through His resurrection has helped me to ponder on His great sacrifice. Someone asked me tonight how I could sing that without crying. Those who know me well will know that I do not often cry. It does not mean that I am not touched. The music did speak to my soul and stirred varying emotions. Much of it is sobering, as I ponder the atonement and crucifixion, the anguish Peter must have felt after denying that he knew Christ. Other songs portray a magnificence and grandeur that can only be associated with Jesus Christ, the Messiah, the Savior of the world... the Lamb of God. I can only imagine the joy Mary Magdalene felt when she learned that her Savior had indeed risen from the dead! I hope I can offer the same love and worship that the disciples did when they saw the risen Lord.

The message of hope is strung through the entire oratorio. Even in the sadness felt at Christ's death, I could feel the hope. This is the gospel: that Christ is risen from the dead! But is His resurrection not more significant because of the sacrifice He made on my behalf? Because He willingly laid down His life and rose again from the dead, I too will rise again. Because He suffered in Gethsemane, I can be forgiven of my sins. Because my Savior broke the bands of death, I have hope in a glorious resurrection morning: a morning when I will be reunited with so many loved ones who have gone before. A morning when there will be no darkness, no pain and suffering, no sorrow. A morning of such beauty that my mortal mind cannot comprehend it. Here is hope: that Christ suffered for my sins, died on the cross, and rose again the third day.

This is the gospel of Jesus Christ! This is the message His disciples seek to share with the world. This is hope and love. Why do I need tears when the gospel message is one of such amazing peace and joy? I truly am grateful for the atoning sacrifice of Jesus Christ. I know He lives. I know He is my Savior, the promised Messiah. Above all else, I know He lives! I can't say it enough, because it is the foundation of my faith. I feel His love. I believe we were all able to share that testimony through the music and narration tonight (and will again tomorrow), and I'm grateful to have had this opportunity.

[As a brief note, I may add more tomorrow or Sunday after our last performance. I just needed to take a few minutes now to share thoughts and testimony.]

Mourn with those that mourn

I've had a lot going through my mind today. I feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude for the gospel of Jesus Christ, as my heart aches for the Tolman family and for the young woman who hit and killed Andrew Tolman last night. I didn't know Andrew, but I know his sister Jenn. It was through her sweet post of gratitude this morning that I made the connection between a teenage boy killed in a crosswalk in Farmington last night and the death of her brother.

I'm not sure I really understood before today what it means to mourn with those that mourn. It breaks my heart to think of a young man with a bright future whose life was taken prematurely, but even more so to think of those who are left behind. Until I began to consider things from a gospel perspective, it was hard to understand why I felt so affected. Jenn is a great friend, the type of person who is eager to do anything she can for anyone, but we haven't talked much since the singles' wards were reorganized last spring. I never knew Andrew. Why was I feeling it so strongly?

Perhaps it is partly personal experience. I never knew my own brother, Robby, in mortality, either. But I know what it is to lose a little brother. Of course it was a different experience, and I can't pretend to know exactly how Jenn and her family are feeling right now.

But I believe there is more to it than just what I have experienced. The more I've thought about it, the more gratitude I feel for Jesus Christ and for His gospel and His atonement. The people who were baptized in the waters of Mormon covenanted "to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in, even until death, that ye may be redeemed of God, and be numbered with those of the first resurrection, that ye may have eternal life" (Mosiah 18:9). They did not covenant to feel sorry for each other, or to mourn for each other. They covenanted to mourn with each other. We also make this covenant at baptism. I just don't think I've ever felt it so strongly before.

It also turned my thoughts to the atonement. This is not directly my pain or sorrow, but it has been a very real sorrow today. In the same way, my pain and sorrow is not directly Christ's. But He has suffered all that I have and will suffer. As Isaiah prophesied: "He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief: and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not. Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted. But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed" (Isaiah 53:3-5). It is no coincidence that Abinadi had shared these verses just a few chapters earlier, in Mosiah 14. The Savior has borne any griefs, any pain or sorrow that we can feel. In becoming like Him, He asks us to bear one another's burdens, to mourn with one another. As He can lighten and remove our sorrows, so we can provide support for each other, lighten and lift burdens, answer prayers.

In short, we can learn charity. I remember the first time I heard someone present the idea that if charity is the pure love of Christ, there are still 3 possible (and all correct) interpretations: love for Christ, love from Christ, and love like Christ. In asking us to mourn with those that mourn, Christ is offering the opportunity to learn charity. We can begin to understand His perfect, unconditional love. But this is only the beginning. I cannot imagine how much He suffered, not just to experience my pain and to take upon Him my sins, but to take upon Himself the pain and the sins of all mankind. I cannot imagine how great His love is, how great our Heavenly Father's love is, for all of us as His children. I only know that my Savior loves me enough to have prepared a way for me to return to Him.

I am so grateful for the atonement and the resurrection, for the knowledge that because of the plan of salvation that families are forever. We will be reunited with those we love. I trust that the Tolman family is also finding comfort in this knowledge at this time. I am touched by the number of posts I have seen offering love, expressing heartbreak. I believe all of these people are reflecting back the love they have felt from this family in their own lives.

I hope and pray that the Tolmans may find peace and comfort in the midst of their sorrow and mourning. I pray also for the woman who hit Andrew. She must also be feeling great pain. I pray that we may all seek to reflect the love of God to those with whom we come in contact, that the same love may be reflected back to us at the times when we most need it.

I express my gratitude again for the atonement. I love my Savior and am so grateful for all He has done for me and for all mankind. I know that He lives, and that because He lives that I will live again. Andrew will live again, and he and his family will be reunited. We will see those we love again. I know that Jesus Christ has prepared the way for us to return to Him. We will also be reunited with Him and with our Heavenly Father if we will follow the example Christ has set for us. I know this to be true, and I find such peace in knowing there is purpose in both life and death. The day will come when our sorrows will be turned to joy.

Sweet forgiving

Our sacrament hymn to day was "In Humility, Our Savior." I found myself thinking about the first two lines of the second verse:

"Fill our hearts with sweet forgiving;

Teach us tolerance and love."

It struck me that the sacrament is not just about obtaining forgiveness, but about learning to forgive others. I love those words "sweet forgiving." There is a sweetness that comes, not just when we are forgiven of our own sins, but also when we can let go of anger, pride, and hurt and forgive those who may have wronged us.

Just as I must pray for the Lord to forgive me of my sins, at times I have had to pray for the strength and humility to forgive another. Christ's atonement covers this, as well. And there is such a peace--indeed, sweetness--that comes from forgiving. Often when this is the case, the person may not even have realized that he/she had hurt me. But I have learned that when I choose to be hurt--well, quite frankly, it hurts! It doesn't hurt the other person. And it doesn't just leave me feeling emotionally down. Whether the other person is oblivious or unrepentant, choosing to harbor a grudge, to feel hurt or offended, hurts my spirit and drives away the Spirit of the Lord. I can't always turn around and be "buddies" with that person, but by letting go of my hurt and seeking the Lord's help to forgive, I find peace with myself and with the Lord. And this is the peace that I most need in my life. This is the peace that will allow me to draw nearer to Jesus Christ and to become more like Him. This is the peace that comes from following the Lord's teachings and inviting the Holy Ghost into my life: the peace that can come only through the companionship of the Holy Ghost.

As I thought about this, one of the speakers in sacrament meeting shared a couple of quotes that related very well. First was, "Anything we can change, we should change, and we must forgive the rest." Pretty self-explanatory. The other was Matthew 11:28-30:

Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

How easily this can be applied to forgiveness! And not just to giving up our own sins, but to forgiving others. When I do not forgive immediately, it really is as if I were carrying a heavy burden. I cannot feel happy. But as I choose to take Christ's yoke upon me, things change. I must still lift a burden, as it were. I must make an effort to let go, to forgive, even to love. I must pray for the strength to forgive. But as I take up the Lord's yoke instead of continuing to carry my own burden, I find peace and joy that can come only from following the counsel of the Lord. It looks difficult to change and to choose right, but as we do it, we are entitled to the help of the Lord and to the companionship of the Holy Ghost, and we learn that Christ's yoke is easy, and His burden is light.

Back to the words of the hymn:

In humility, our Savior,

Grant thy Spirit here, we pray,

As we bless the bread and water

In thy name this holy day.

Let me not forget, O Savior,

Thou didst bleed and die for me

When thy heart was stilled and broken

On the cross at Calvary.

Fill our hearts with sweet forgiving;

Teach us tolerance and love.

Let our prayers find access to thee

In thy holy courts above.

Then, when we have proven worthy

Of thy sacrifice divine,

Lord, let us regain thy presence;

Let thy glory round us shine.

How grateful I am for the atonement of Jesus Christ, for the knowledge that He has already borne my burdens: sins, sorrows, sicknesses, and anything else I may experience. I am grateful for a gospel of peace and love and forgiveness. I am grateful for the invitation to take His yoke upon me. I must demonstrate that I am willing to take His yoke upon me, but I also know that He will help and guide me as I do so. Jesus Christ lives, and He has overcome all things, that we might also overcome all things!

For whom the bell tolls

No, not Hemingway. John Donne. For the full text, see Meditation XVII. In Relief Society today, we discussed what are probably the most quoted lines: "No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less., as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend's or of thine own were: any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee."

We related this to the lesson, of course, which was "Love thy neighbor as thyself." We began and ended with these lines, and I had some thoughts as we ended that I wanted to share. Too bad we ran out of time there, but I have time here. :)

We discussed the obvious: the bell tolls for thee because nothing can happen to your neighbor without it in some way affecting you. When a piece of mankind is lost, in a way you lose a piece of yourself.

As the lesson ended, however, and we heard the words once more, "And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee," I couldn't help thinking that it could also be a call to action. In many cases, the bell tolling did represent someone's loss. But it could also be considered a cry for help. It tolls for thee (or it tolls for me!) could mean that you (I!) am being asked to step up in someone else's loss and offer those things that he or she needs most--whether it be a shoulder to cry on, a physical gift, or any other offering of love. The bell tolls for me not just because I should feel sorrow, but because I can offer service to those who may be hurting most. The bell tolls to alert us to the needs of others. In this way, we can truly be involved in mankind!

I have liked John Donne's writing since I was first introduced to a piece or two (including this one, of course!) in high school. I like his expressions of faith and the sense that he truly was involved in mankind. I am grateful for the many examples of Christianity who have gone before, and I hope that I can also develop these Christlike attributes and show greater charity to those with whom I come in contact.

What does the Book of Mormon mean to YOU?

We are studying the Book of Mormon in Gospel Doctrine (Sunday School) this year, and this question was posed in class today. The teacher suggested we go home and think about it, and it seemed like a perfect blog post.

I can't possibly convey all my thoughts and feelings about the Book of Mormon. I may make other similar posts throughout this year as we continue through the Sunday School course. The most important thing to me is that I know that it is true, that it is another testament of Jesus Christ, and that it brings people--that it brings me closer to Christ.

Every Book of Mormon prophet, both before and after Christ's birth, testified of Jesus Christ and of His life and ministry. They testified of the atonement and of the resurrection. They testified that salvation comes only in and through the name of Christ. And yet these were ordinary men. Like Paul in the New Testament, several prophets in the Book of Mormon also turned from persecuting the Church of Christ to accepting, believing, and preaching the words of Christ. These men stand as examples to us, now, reminding us that though we are imperfect, we can come unto Christ, repent, and seek to follow Him, and that we can one day be perfected in Him.

The crowning event of the Book of Mormon is Jesus Christ's visit to the people of what we now know as the Americas. He came to them following His resurrection. He taught them, just as He taught the people in the Holy Land. He healed their sick. He blessed their children. He taught them to pray. He organized His Church among them.

What does the Book of Mormon mean to me? It means that Heavenly Father loves all of His children. It means that just as Jesus Christ organized His Church in the Holy Land, He also organized it among the people on the American continent, and He has restored His gospel to the earth in these latter days. The gospel of Jesus Christ is available to all people, regardless of race, gender, or economic position. God is no respecter of persons, so it seems only logical that He would extend the blessings of the gospel to all people who will accept it.

The Book of Mormon means that God has provided a way for me to come unto Him. He has made it possible for me to study and learn His word. He wants me to know that He sent His Son to atone for my sins. He wants me to share this knowledge. As I read and study and ponder the Book of Mormon, I invite the Holy Ghost to be a part of my life.

The Book of Mormon means that God has begun to gather scattered Israel, to prepare the world for the Second Coming of Jesus Christ. I have faith that Christ was born in Bethlehem, ministered to the Israelites of His day, atoned for my sins, gave His life on the cross, and rose again the third day. I have faith that He manifested His resurrected body to His disciples in Israel as well as in the Americas. I have faith that He will come again in glory. I find great joy in this faith and knowledge.

This is what the Book of Mormon means to me: peace through the Spirit, joy in the redemption of mankind, the love of God, and a faith in Christ and a hope for things to come.

I bear testimony that the Book of Mormon is the word of God, and that it will bring us nearer to God. I know it is true. In the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

Stress is relative...

Today was kind of a crazy day at work, but at least I was able to focus and get a lot of work done. I've kept thinking about how a year ago today, that was definitely not the case. That was the day that I accepted a new position at work... but even that was not by any means stressful.

The anxiety came primarily from a text from my mom, letting me know that my brother, Tom, had been in an accident involving a basketball standard, and could I please let both sets of grandparents know. (In her defense, she and my dad and youngest sister, Christine, were in Florida for a dental convention; I believe my mom and Christine were at Disney World that day. But all I knew from the text was that he'd had to get staples in his head, had a concussion, and that he had had a blessing.) I think most of the stress came from having very limited information and from feeling so helpless--Tom was in Colorado on his mission, still; I was in Utah; my parents were in Florida. I know we were all worried, but none of us could actually do anything.

It helps to put things in perspective... I feel confident that it is because of his faithful missionary service and the power of the priesthood that he healed quickly and has had no after-effects.

Strange to post about this now, a full year later? Maybe. It's just been on my mind again. Just as I'm happy to be alive, I'm happy my brother is alive and well, and I'm excited for his upcoming wedding. :)