I’ve been thinking a lot lately about various things—specifically how my life has not necessarily gone how I had planned or hoped or dreamed. Now, I’m not saying that I’m unhappy with where I am or with the things I have been able to do. Honestly, my life is pretty good. And I know I’ve been able to offer help to family and friends, to join activities on the spur of the moment, to do many things that I might not be able to do if I had my dream and were a wife and a mother. However, as the days go by, I find that my greatest desire becomes more and more unreachable... and yet the desire has not decreased, and I also still feel that I would readily give up everything for it. Sometimes I feel a lot like Rapunzel in Tangled: “When will my life begin?” To paraphrase the title of a blog I saw early this week, I am happy with my life... but I also can't help feeling that there is something missing.
I think part of the reason I’ve been thinking so much is because I struggle with making major life decisions. Does anyone find it easy, though? And there are so many decisions I never planned on making alone…
I do realize that marriage is a major life decision, which impacts both the present and eternity. The difference is that I have always planned on making that decision. But as time goes on, I wonder whether I will have an opportunity to make that decision.
All through Young Women, we were taught the importance of marriage and motherhood. Education was also emphasized, and for me that was also a given. So until just before I turned 21, my life was pretty well planned out. Were there still decisions to make? Certainly, but they all fell within a track that I had always planned to follow. I left home to study, I enjoyed my time at school, and I completed my bachelor’s degree.
At that point, I still wasn’t entirely at a loss for what to do next. I had always considered serving a mission as a possibility at least, and sometime during my studies I began to feel strongly that it was what I should do. But this also brought its challenges. I was prepared to go and had my papers completed in early May 2004—three months before my 21st birthday. Because of circumstances outside of my control, I was not able to begin serving until July 2005. During that time of waiting, I often found myself wondering what my next step should be. What if it didn’t work out, despite the strong impressions I continued to have that serving a mission was the right choice for me? What was I going to do?
When I was finally called, it was as a service missionary in Family and Church History. Because of this (the timing and the fact that it was a service mission), my original plan was to serve for a year. This made sense, since I had graduated with a teaching certificate and would need time to find a job. But as the end of that year approached, I found myself once again faced with a decision, and nothing felt quite right. I looked at the options for teaching and sent out my teaching portfolio to a couple of school districts, including one where I knew there was a German teacher leaving her position. I never heard from any of them. I toyed with the idea of going back to BYU to get a master’s degree there. But I wasn’t sure of that, either. In the meantime, I received an unquestionable answer through the Holy Ghost that I was to extend my mission for another 6 months. I did that eagerly, knowing that there was a good chance I would never teach after that, and not knowing for sure what would come next.
Somewhere during that time, I also realized how much I enjoyed the work I was doing. I began to hope that there might be a small possibility of being hired on after my mission and continuing the work I was already doing. In this, too, I did not know anything immediately, although ultimately I was not disappointed. After extending my mission, I finished just before Christmas 2006. I spent the holiday with my family, and it was not until a day or two before coming back to Salt Lake that I received a call letting me know I would have a temporary (six month) position. Until then, I had once again been wondering where I would go and what I would do next.
Since I only had a temporary position, I tried to put out some feelers during those six months, watching for other job openings in the Family History Department (things I might actually qualify for…), as well as applying for a couple of openings at the public library. Again, nothing: not even a courtesy email or phone call to let me know I had not been chosen. I was searching myself, wondering again where I might be able to go next, hoping it would be somewhere I would enjoy. Thankfully, I was eventually hired on permanently, but I was again left hanging; HR actually extended my temp position by a couple of weeks, and at the end of that time, I finally received a full-time offer.
This sounds like a lot of blessings, and I will definitely admit that such is the case. But part of the reason this was difficult for me is because I had never really planned on looking for a career. My youngest sister asked me a few years ago, “When you were my age, did you know what you wanted to be when you grew up?” I told her no, but that wasn’t entirely true; my mom overheard and answered, “Yes. A mother.” And it’s true.
So here I am, and I’m facing another decision. One I never imagined having to make. I turn 31 next summer, which means the end of being a “young single adult” in the Church. So what’s next? I’m not eager to go to a mid-single’s ward. They’re too big, and I don’t want to feel like I’m required to have a car just to go to a ward, anyway. What then? I would love to be in a ward where I could serve in Primary or Young Women’s. But for where I live now, that would require special permission, since the family wards in the local stake are typically only for those who have families. I’ve seriously considered moving. But it scares me. Besides, right now I live in a perfect location for work, for many activities of various kinds, for attending the temple, for visiting the Family History Library, and so forth. If I move, I’ll have to commute to work. I’ll have to have much more careful planning for attending the temple and for any evening activities. I may have to get a car.
And so I feel a little lost. On the one hand, it would be really nice to buy a house, to have a place that is truly my own. On the other hand… well, let’s just say that it is not a decision I ever planned to make alone. And when it comes right down to it, there are so many things I wouldn’t be able to take care of on my own: from things as simple as changing a light bulb, on to bigger things like caring for a yard and shoveling snow.
So what do I do? Where do I go from here? As I’ve already said, I would willingly give up what I have now to marry and have a family. That has always been my dream. But it may never happen; I’m gradually becoming resigned to that, though I hate the idea of going through the rest of life alone.
Perhaps I feel a bit like Zacharias and Elisabeth, who say in the production Savior of the World that they have not given up hope, but that they have given up their demands. I can't demand that the Lord give me my desires--not even when they are righteous desires. But I can continue to hope and pray and trust in Him, that (to quote Zacharias and Elisabeth in Savior of the World again), "He will fulfill His promises... in His own due time."
Until then, I guess I have some decisions to make. Alone. Not without prayer. Not without seeking advice where I feel I need it. But still alone.
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